The cat stays

I spoke too soon - the aunt has changed her mind because she doesn't think she'd be home enough to look after the cat properly.Bloody fickle people - make up your frigging minds...although I guess she's doing the right thing instead of taking jess on and then neglecting him.I have to look for another home now.

Thanks to ever...

Thanks to everyone who replied to my last entry – the Jess situation has been resolved and happily so.I decided to follow Dr. Doom’s advice and wait it out a bit before judging the owners. Well, I waited and it turns out that my first instincts were right. Last night I got a text message from Annemarie saying that the lady had “made a mistake” and that Jess isn’t her kitten. I asked her if she had found hers and she said no, she just knew that it wasn’t hers. Suuuure lady…This leaves me in the fortunate position of being able to offer Jess to my aunt who has been thinking about taking another cat since hers died last year. She has a great home for a kitten – an enclosed garden, an outdoor cat house (no, not that kind you dirty birds), cat-flap so he can come indoors any time he wants and a family of people that love cats. Her youngest child is 10 years old too so we won’t be risking some toddler “giving him a bath” or something equally as torturous.She wanted some time to prepare the house for Jess so she’ll be picking him up tomorrow evening. I’m sad that this will be the last night he falls asleep sitting on my shoulder while I’m on the computer – but hey, at least I can visit him and check out how he’s doing.

Comment te dire adieu?

Jess’ owners may have been located. One of my co-workers told my ex boss Annemarie about the kitten and she called me today saying that her neighbours lost a kitten two days ago. The information I could gather from the conversation my ex boss was having with both me and the other lady at the same time was that their adult cat had a litter of kittens and that they had kept one but it had wandered off. Apparently it wandered off almost a mile from a housing estate into the centre of town. They think that yes, it was black and white (think, wtf?) and that it must be Jess. First of all I’m pretty pissed off that Annemarie didn’t have the smarts not to call me in front of this woman – she knows how I feel about people who can’t look after animals properly. I didn’t even know the woman was there at first but then I heard her shouting the information I was giving her to someone else in the room.She then told me that the woman would come down to see me at work and sort out collecting the kitten. All I could do was say yes – I was put on the spot. The woman didn’t bother showing up or even calling me to thank me for looking after her cat for the last two days – sounds like a real winner huh?All I know about her so far is that she has four young children, hasn’t got the intelligence to spay her current cat or look after a small kitten and is too lazy, ignorant or plain stupid to even call to get him back. What I’m wondering is – am I obliged to give Jess back to her? I’ve already found two potential homes with people a hell of a lot more responsible than this dumbass. Would “doing the right thing” in this situation be the wrong thing for the cat? What do you guys think?

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat...

This week has been too eventful. This is my third journal entry in as many days – I can’t wait for things to get back to normal so that the most exciting thing happening to me is waking up from a nap to find a candy bar wedged between the bed and the wall (remind me to tell you that one some time).I left for working this afternoon in a grumpier-than-usual mood because I’d had my boss on the phone stressing me out with inane questions so by the time I arrived I was on the warpath only to be greeted with some good news. It turns out that a “spy” from Head Office (cleverly disguised as a person from Head Office who introduced herself to me and my co-worker) had evaluated our performances and given us a great review. Not only was she impressed by the employees but also by the figures I shown her. So impressed that she upgraded our shop to an “A” standard store. What the fuck does that mean? I’ll tell you:1. More money for my boss (eh…well, it doesn’t hurt me I guess)2. More staff positions allocated (hurrah! More minions to cover shifts = no calling Cat on her day off!)3. More payable hours for the store (hurrah! Employees will get enough hours to live on!)4. Higher quarterly targets but also higher bonus payouts for my boss and I. Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t care less about the company but each time they dangle that fat bonus in front of me I’m like a donkey with a carrot addiction.This highlight of my day, however, was yet to come. In yesterdays “Saga of PM” I mentioned an offer we were running that included a free return flight for any customer who purchased a SONY Home Cinema System. I sold one to a nice couple last week who today returned to the store and asked me would I like to have their free flight because they won’t have time to take it.I was flabbergasted. I kept asking them if they were really sure, and offering to buy it off them, or suggesting they sell it to someone else but they insisted that they wanted to give it to me. The offer also includes a second flight for half price so my friend Alison and I shall soon be heading to Paris, Brussels, Barcelona or Amsterdam. After weighing up the expense and/or vast boredom of the cities offered we have chosen Amsterdam. And yes, my love of clogs played a big part in that choice.Somewhere between that great surprise (7pm) and closing (12am) a small kitten wandered into our shop. Being a cat lover I naturally picked it up and made my way around as best I could trying to find an owner. The town is busy and full of drunks at night so I ended up keeping the kitten in our bathroom and giving it some milk. It must be someone’s pet because it’s entirely tame and wants to be held and stroked all of the time – how could I do anything but bring it home? The babies (my own two cats) are in a kind of state that I could only describe as “enraged with anger”. I’ve never seen them so cross – hissing, spitting, growling and arching their backs. Jess (as I have named the kitten with the uncanny resemblance to Postman Pat’s cat) is now residing in my bedroom with his own litter box while I try to figure out what to do. As much as I’d love to I can’t keep him – the babies would never get used to him, they’ve lived here for 3 years and it’s their space. I’ll have to put some posters up tomorrow and start looking for someone else to adopt him. He’s adorable; it’s going to be hard saying goodbye, even after one night. Next time: Rays’ latest fuck-ups and “The time I found a candy bar wedged between my bed and the wall after a lovely nap”.

The Saga of PM

As you may have noticed, if you read my last update, I am a nice customer service representative. This is not from any innate kindness or love of my fellow man but rather because I find it to be the most effective way to do my job. It’s logical: when I am nice to customers, they are nice to me. Our transactions are faster, more pleasant and less stressful when we’re both smiling and in agreement as to what is to be done. Therefore I am helpful, friendly, polite and often willing to go out of my way to make sure the customer is happy. I am NOT, however, a pushover. Like a dog trainer (or good parent) I do not reward bad behaviour and if a customer whines, bitches or moans to me rest assured that I won’t be fucking budging on their late fees or any other problem they may have. I have a customer who we will refer to Psychotic Mum. PM has a history in our store and on a personal level with me (although she’s not aware of that). The personal history is that she once approached my mother (who baby-sits children) and asked her if she would be interested in taking hers on. She gave a long speech on how adorable, special, talented and generally fabulous ending almost in tears about how much she loves them. Naturally my mother said no (she can smell a fussy bitch a mile away) and left poor PM “bitterly disappointed”. This may have been useful practice though seeing as poor PM has had to face a lot of bitter disappointment since then.The first incident I can clearly remember with her (although I had always noticed her fat, 80s hippy ass marching around the store and speaking VERY LOUDLY to her companions about her video choices in a pseudo D4 accent) was when “The Animal” was released to rent. The film looked pretty bad and the idea behind it was that a guy is in a near fatal accident but is saved by having animal body parts put inside him. Anyone who had seen the trailers should know the full story of the film and the stupid (if a little distasteful) scenes. The film is certified as a 12, suitable for children aged 12 and over, although I wouldn’t describe it as a children’s film. Hence the reason it’s not in their section. PM decided to rent it for her children and bring it back in a state of “absolute disgust”. PM: (approaching counter) I am absolutely disgusted!Me: I’m sorry to hear that, what seems to be the problem?PM: I want this film removed from the shelves! (Thrusting a copy of The Animal at me)Me: Ok…what was the problem?PM: It is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! (Creative, isn’t she?)Me: MmmhmmPM: My children are terrified, my daughter can’t even sleep. We rented this the other night and it contains bestiality and cannibalismMe: Really? I’m very sorry (sure I am) I had no idea.PM: Why is it certified 12?Me: Well, that’s the certification that the Irish Film Censor gave it.PM: It should be changed to 18!Me: I’m afraid we have no control over thatPM: Just label it 18. I’m so upset by this! (Tears filling her fat eyes)Me: I’m sorry but that would be illegal, we are legally obliged to use the certifications the film has been given in this country.PM: (15 minutes speech on her children whom she adores being traumatised for life) They’re only 7 and 9 years old!Me: The film is classified 12 though, only suitable for children over 12PM: That’s ridiculous! A film classified 12 should be suitable for all ages!I mean, what the fuck do you say to that?What she wanted: a refund, rental credit, the number of the Irish Censorship Board (hang on, I think I have it in my cell phone) and possibly counselling for her brats. What she got: 1.50 rental credit which was promptly eaten up by the late fee she had already incurred on the film. Obviously in her state of shock she hadn’t been able to bring it back for four days.Unfortunately this wasn’t the last I was to see of PM. She often popped by with stupid complaints and attempts to get free things. One great example was when we offered a free return flight to one of five European destinations when you bought a SONY Home Cinema system – she wanted two kids places free because (fat eyes filling with tears again) she couldn’t bear to be parted from her children whom she adores! No deal, bitchThe most recent, however, was today when she came in to resolve her “Spiderman DVD Issues”PM: I bought a Spiderman DVD about a month ago and it’s faulty. It just won’t work. At all. In any machine! It won’t work! It’s faulty!Me: I’m very sorry to hear that. Do you have the DVD and your receipt with you?PM: No! But it’s faulty! I have no receipt.Me: Ok, do you remember who served you?PM: EdelI check with Edel who indeed sold it to her – about 4 months prior, but remembers her solely because she’s a fucking dipshit.Me: OK, Edel remembers that so even though you don’t have your receipt I should be able to work something out for you.PM: It’s what I’m entitled to! It’s faulty!Me; Actually our policy states that you must return it within 28 days and with your receipt, but I’m willing to work something out because you were given a faulty product.PM: I was my 30 euro refundMe: I’m sorry but without a receipt and outside our 28 day period there’s no way I can issue you a refund, but I am willing to give you an exchange. The DVD you bought was 15 euros so I can give you any items worth up to 15 euros in exchange.PM: It was 30!Me: It was 30 when it was first released, but in the last four months it has been reduced to 15.PM: I bought it when it was first released!Me: Then that would be 8 months ago…are you sure?PM: Yes!Me: And you just found out it was faulty?PM: I’ve only played it onceMe: So you didn’t check it in any other players? Spiderman is a dual layered disk and is does state on the box that it may freeze momentarily on older playersPM: I tried it in several players, and played it many times and it just froze!Me: I thought you only played it once.PM: Yes, that’s what I saidAfter going around in circles over the cost of the DVD I finally ring head office who can trace back the sales on her account and find out when she bought the DVD: four months previously, for 15 euro.PM: Oh! Well, this is bitterly disappointing! I know I paid 30 for it.Me: (stifling laughter) Maybe you’re mistaken or thinking of another DVD.PM: No, it was this one. I suppose I’ll just have to accept this but I’m very upset. And my children are even more upset (you’ve guessed it, those fat eyes are swelling with tears again)Me: If you bring in the DVD tomorrow I’ll be happy to give you an exchange.PM: I’ll wait and see what you get in that’s better.Me: The exchange offer will run out in one week.PM: This is disgraceful! You know I used to work in a phone shop and I would never have treated my customers like this! (Marches off)Yeah. I’m bending company policy to new levels, spending 20 minutes listening to you verbally piss on me and still smiling – what a cunt I am!Next time she comes in I’m going to shake my head and blow raspberries at her. I figure it’s insane enough that if she makes a complaint no one will believe her. What do you think?

Stop jigging about like a frigging meat puppet

It has been a while since my last update but no, I still haven’t pierced my nipples. I make decisions like this at the speed of a retarded sloth (I also eat and sleep like one in case you wanted to know).It was an interesting few weeks even my by abnormally thrilling life’s standards. Here are just some of the exhilarating episodes I’ve had:1. Burning my hand making soup for the brother, having a blister the size of a grape and “enjoying” having my boss gleefully poke it when I am distracted.2. Buying Strictly Ballroom and Sunset Boulevard special edition DVDs (thus having to rearrange categorized DVDs)3. Mysteriously injuring my middle finger on my right hand making it appear to have “extra” bones and click whenever I move it.4. Stopping taking the pill after 10 years (12 year old slut?) and becoming hormonally deranged (who knew toilet paper commercials could be so moving?)5. Spending an hour epilating the brother’s back. Yes, an hour. Yes, my brother’s back. 6. Wondering what sadistic cunt invented the epilator after trying it for a second on my leg.7. Cleaning vomit off the carpet at work after some child threw up.8. Receiving a thank you card and terry’s chocolate orange from her family for being so nice to them and not making them clean it up.But out of all of these experiences my favourite one has been watching Magnolia for the first time. I finally watched it after my brother loaned me his DVD about a year ago. I haven’t enjoyed or reacted to a film as much since I first saw the director’s cut of Betty Blue and whether or not that’s a bi-product of my recent hormonal insanity shall be known when I give it a second viewing some time.If you’ve seen it tell me what you thought of it.If you haven’t seen it rent it out some time.P.S – Ray is still a moron.

Nipples

I'm thinking of getting my nipples pierced. I've had it on my mind for a while. Pain doesn't bother me but for some reason I have odd image reservations in my mind. Therefore, a question (which is the free version of a poll for cheapies like me):By getting my nipples pierced I will become:a. A skanky biker chick type with pendulous breasts covered in cheap looking tattoos who shoves bottles up her ass in cheap porn movies.b. A fat, gothic camwhore with opendulous breasts covered in cheap looking tattoos (not meaning anyone in particular) who shoves bottles up her ass on her webcam.c. The same as I was before but with pierced nipples, no one will give a fuck.Alright, B might refer to someone.

Somebody left the gate open…

I worked a much shorter shift than usual tonight, 8-12 instead of 3 or 4-12. In that four hour period I can honestly say I dealt with more stupid customers and situations than I have done in the last four weeks. I knew I was overdue for some real hum dingers because the worst I’d had was someone complaining about the slow service (after the twat forgot his card and we had to look up his name and then address which he couldn’t remember if he’d changed or not). I must have missed the flyers because I had no idea that tonight was the official “Ulster Moron and Dimwit Gathering” and that it was taking place in Video Drama.As I walked to work I got caught in a heavy shower and without an umbrella or jacket I was soaked by the time I reached the store. A man whose breath smell I can only liken to manure greeted me with “is it raining out?” Harmless stupidity I suppose and one of those situations that, working in retail, you learn to grin and bear. After drying off I clock on and open the till to begin counting for my shift change. We do this at every change of shift, it only takes about 3 minutes and we explain to any customers waiting that we have to do it. Nevertheless there will ALWAYS be a customer who has to sigh/tap their feet/tap their finger or rudely shout inane questions at you while you count and tonight was no exception. Never mind that you’re obviously counting coins, that you’ve already told them that you will be with them in less than 3 minutes or that your co-worker has their videos ready to be rung through as soon as you’ve finished. It’s just not good enough for your average Video Drama customer. You wouldn’t believe the people that have demanded free rentals for the 180 second hold up we’ve forced them to endure. Not a fucking chance…Ms. Yu-Gi-OhFrankly I don’t really know what the hell Yu-Gi-Oh is or if I’ve spelled it correctly. All I know is that for some unknown reason we’ve started selling trading cards and the kids swarm like flies on a turd for them. Tonight we had a pretty long queue and, as is the custom in our store, people queue by standing anywhere they want at the counter – sort of the way they do at a bar. One large, simple–looking woman was about fifth or sixth in the queue and for the duration of her wait said “Yoo-gee-oh”. I mean for the duration. She must have said it over a thousand times in her horrible flat country accent. I began to wonder if she perhaps had Tourette’s syndrome but when her turn came to be served she stopped her chanting and asked “are those Pokémon cards?” I shit you not folksThe Bill and Ted GirlsI hate teenagers as much as the next person but as customers they’re pretty easy to handle. They usually know what they want, don’t chit chat and can be easily intimidated into shutting up if they get lippy. The girls I encountered tonight were a little different. They rented out “The Fellowship of the Ring” only to return it minutes later saying “we meant to get The Twin Towers!”I’m used to this slip of the tongue so I tell them that “The Two Towers” won’t be out for another month. At this point we were playing “Wayne’s World” in the store. A pretty memorable and easily recognisable film, right? Maybe not.Girl #1: Look Bill and Ted! We should rent that!Girl #2: No, that’s Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, it wasn’t as good.Girl #1; But it has Keanu Reeves in it. I love him!Girl #2: Ok then.Me: We don’t have either of the Bill and Ted movies – that’s Wayne’s World that’s on right now.Girl #1: Oh! Well we’ll take it anyway, it has the same actors.She seemed so happy with her choice that I didn’t have the heart to say anything more.And finally:Mr. Mee (his real name)I always groan inwardly when I see a farmer with a stupid grin plastered on his mug approach the counter. I know he’s either going to waste my time by asking something ridiculous like do we sell tobacco or would a DVD play in a cassette walkman or he’s going to try to cut a deal with me. This usually involves winking and the saying of “sure you wouldn’t charge me THAT for a video!” I don’t cut deals. Tonight I had a prime example of one such sheep fucker who wanted to be exonerated from our membership rules.Mr. Mee: Hello. I want to get a Video Drama card.Me: You want to open a rental account with us?Mr. Mee: AyeMe: Alright sir. I will need two pieces of identification with your address and one with a photograph.Mr. Mee: Let me see…*fumbles through his pockets*Me: We accept any two of the following: drivers licence, passport, ESB bill, phone bill or bank statement. I’m afraid those are the only forms of identification that we are allowed to accept.Mr. Mee: Aye. (Produces rumpled envelope with handwritten address on it) Will this be alright? You can see my address there.Me: (repeating list). I’m very sorry sir, I know it’s inconvenient but Head Office is very strict on this. There is no way that I can accept any other form of ID. Do you at least have your drivers licence with you? If you had that I could see what I could do.Mr Mee: (glaring) I’ll go and look in the car (returning five minutes later with a look of glee on his face) Here you go – this’ll do you. (He handed me a receipt with the words “Chair 55 euros” on it and a signature on the bottom.)Mr. Mee: That’s my signature.Me: (Somewhere between dismay, amusement and disbelief) I’m sorry sir but I will need one of the five forms I mentioned to you.This was where Mr. Mee flipped his lid. He cursed the store, he cursed me, he shook his head, this was ridiculous – did I know how many times he had rented out films here??WHAT?Me: Sir, you have an account here already?Mr. Mee: WELL I USED TO! I USED IT TWO WEEKS AGO!Me: Sir you can use that account.Mr. Mee: Well why didn’t you tell me that right away?What do you say to that? I mean, really. I just had to go sit in the back and drink some water to stop from slapping the guy with a pan.

Boring Shoe Update

Donna and other shoe lovers - what do you guys think of these? I'm drawn to them because they're red and Prada - not to mention dirt cheap.The one thing that's stopping me from bidding is the oddly shaped heel. Anyone else think it looks a bit weird?http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=11629&item=2843880000