Somebody left the gate open…

I worked a much shorter shift than usual tonight, 8-12 instead of 3 or 4-12. In that four hour period I can honestly say I dealt with more stupid customers and situations than I have done in the last four weeks. I knew I was overdue for some real hum dingers because the worst I’d had was someone complaining about the slow service (after the twat forgot his card and we had to look up his name and then address which he couldn’t remember if he’d changed or not). I must have missed the flyers because I had no idea that tonight was the official “Ulster Moron and Dimwit Gathering” and that it was taking place in Video Drama.As I walked to work I got caught in a heavy shower and without an umbrella or jacket I was soaked by the time I reached the store. A man whose breath smell I can only liken to manure greeted me with “is it raining out?” Harmless stupidity I suppose and one of those situations that, working in retail, you learn to grin and bear. After drying off I clock on and open the till to begin counting for my shift change. We do this at every change of shift, it only takes about 3 minutes and we explain to any customers waiting that we have to do it. Nevertheless there will ALWAYS be a customer who has to sigh/tap their feet/tap their finger or rudely shout inane questions at you while you count and tonight was no exception. Never mind that you’re obviously counting coins, that you’ve already told them that you will be with them in less than 3 minutes or that your co-worker has their videos ready to be rung through as soon as you’ve finished. It’s just not good enough for your average Video Drama customer. You wouldn’t believe the people that have demanded free rentals for the 180 second hold up we’ve forced them to endure. Not a fucking chance…Ms. Yu-Gi-OhFrankly I don’t really know what the hell Yu-Gi-Oh is or if I’ve spelled it correctly. All I know is that for some unknown reason we’ve started selling trading cards and the kids swarm like flies on a turd for them. Tonight we had a pretty long queue and, as is the custom in our store, people queue by standing anywhere they want at the counter – sort of the way they do at a bar. One large, simple–looking woman was about fifth or sixth in the queue and for the duration of her wait said “Yoo-gee-oh”. I mean for the duration. She must have said it over a thousand times in her horrible flat country accent. I began to wonder if she perhaps had Tourette’s syndrome but when her turn came to be served she stopped her chanting and asked “are those Pokémon cards?” I shit you not folksThe Bill and Ted GirlsI hate teenagers as much as the next person but as customers they’re pretty easy to handle. They usually know what they want, don’t chit chat and can be easily intimidated into shutting up if they get lippy. The girls I encountered tonight were a little different. They rented out “The Fellowship of the Ring” only to return it minutes later saying “we meant to get The Twin Towers!”I’m used to this slip of the tongue so I tell them that “The Two Towers” won’t be out for another month. At this point we were playing “Wayne’s World” in the store. A pretty memorable and easily recognisable film, right? Maybe not.Girl #1: Look Bill and Ted! We should rent that!Girl #2: No, that’s Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, it wasn’t as good.Girl #1; But it has Keanu Reeves in it. I love him!Girl #2: Ok then.Me: We don’t have either of the Bill and Ted movies – that’s Wayne’s World that’s on right now.Girl #1: Oh! Well we’ll take it anyway, it has the same actors.She seemed so happy with her choice that I didn’t have the heart to say anything more.And finally:Mr. Mee (his real name)I always groan inwardly when I see a farmer with a stupid grin plastered on his mug approach the counter. I know he’s either going to waste my time by asking something ridiculous like do we sell tobacco or would a DVD play in a cassette walkman or he’s going to try to cut a deal with me. This usually involves winking and the saying of “sure you wouldn’t charge me THAT for a video!” I don’t cut deals. Tonight I had a prime example of one such sheep fucker who wanted to be exonerated from our membership rules.Mr. Mee: Hello. I want to get a Video Drama card.Me: You want to open a rental account with us?Mr. Mee: AyeMe: Alright sir. I will need two pieces of identification with your address and one with a photograph.Mr. Mee: Let me see…*fumbles through his pockets*Me: We accept any two of the following: drivers licence, passport, ESB bill, phone bill or bank statement. I’m afraid those are the only forms of identification that we are allowed to accept.Mr. Mee: Aye. (Produces rumpled envelope with handwritten address on it) Will this be alright? You can see my address there.Me: (repeating list). I’m very sorry sir, I know it’s inconvenient but Head Office is very strict on this. There is no way that I can accept any other form of ID. Do you at least have your drivers licence with you? If you had that I could see what I could do.Mr Mee: (glaring) I’ll go and look in the car (returning five minutes later with a look of glee on his face) Here you go – this’ll do you. (He handed me a receipt with the words “Chair 55 euros” on it and a signature on the bottom.)Mr. Mee: That’s my signature.Me: (Somewhere between dismay, amusement and disbelief) I’m sorry sir but I will need one of the five forms I mentioned to you.This was where Mr. Mee flipped his lid. He cursed the store, he cursed me, he shook his head, this was ridiculous – did I know how many times he had rented out films here??WHAT?Me: Sir, you have an account here already?Mr. Mee: WELL I USED TO! I USED IT TWO WEEKS AGO!Me: Sir you can use that account.Mr. Mee: Well why didn’t you tell me that right away?What do you say to that? I mean, really. I just had to go sit in the back and drink some water to stop from slapping the guy with a pan.