The Saga of PM

As you may have noticed, if you read my last update, I am a nice customer service representative. This is not from any innate kindness or love of my fellow man but rather because I find it to be the most effective way to do my job. It’s logical: when I am nice to customers, they are nice to me. Our transactions are faster, more pleasant and less stressful when we’re both smiling and in agreement as to what is to be done. Therefore I am helpful, friendly, polite and often willing to go out of my way to make sure the customer is happy. I am NOT, however, a pushover. Like a dog trainer (or good parent) I do not reward bad behaviour and if a customer whines, bitches or moans to me rest assured that I won’t be fucking budging on their late fees or any other problem they may have. I have a customer who we will refer to Psychotic Mum. PM has a history in our store and on a personal level with me (although she’s not aware of that). The personal history is that she once approached my mother (who baby-sits children) and asked her if she would be interested in taking hers on. She gave a long speech on how adorable, special, talented and generally fabulous ending almost in tears about how much she loves them. Naturally my mother said no (she can smell a fussy bitch a mile away) and left poor PM “bitterly disappointed”. This may have been useful practice though seeing as poor PM has had to face a lot of bitter disappointment since then.The first incident I can clearly remember with her (although I had always noticed her fat, 80s hippy ass marching around the store and speaking VERY LOUDLY to her companions about her video choices in a pseudo D4 accent) was when “The Animal” was released to rent. The film looked pretty bad and the idea behind it was that a guy is in a near fatal accident but is saved by having animal body parts put inside him. Anyone who had seen the trailers should know the full story of the film and the stupid (if a little distasteful) scenes. The film is certified as a 12, suitable for children aged 12 and over, although I wouldn’t describe it as a children’s film. Hence the reason it’s not in their section. PM decided to rent it for her children and bring it back in a state of “absolute disgust”. PM: (approaching counter) I am absolutely disgusted!Me: I’m sorry to hear that, what seems to be the problem?PM: I want this film removed from the shelves! (Thrusting a copy of The Animal at me)Me: Ok…what was the problem?PM: It is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! (Creative, isn’t she?)Me: MmmhmmPM: My children are terrified, my daughter can’t even sleep. We rented this the other night and it contains bestiality and cannibalismMe: Really? I’m very sorry (sure I am) I had no idea.PM: Why is it certified 12?Me: Well, that’s the certification that the Irish Film Censor gave it.PM: It should be changed to 18!Me: I’m afraid we have no control over thatPM: Just label it 18. I’m so upset by this! (Tears filling her fat eyes)Me: I’m sorry but that would be illegal, we are legally obliged to use the certifications the film has been given in this country.PM: (15 minutes speech on her children whom she adores being traumatised for life) They’re only 7 and 9 years old!Me: The film is classified 12 though, only suitable for children over 12PM: That’s ridiculous! A film classified 12 should be suitable for all ages!I mean, what the fuck do you say to that?What she wanted: a refund, rental credit, the number of the Irish Censorship Board (hang on, I think I have it in my cell phone) and possibly counselling for her brats. What she got: 1.50 rental credit which was promptly eaten up by the late fee she had already incurred on the film. Obviously in her state of shock she hadn’t been able to bring it back for four days.Unfortunately this wasn’t the last I was to see of PM. She often popped by with stupid complaints and attempts to get free things. One great example was when we offered a free return flight to one of five European destinations when you bought a SONY Home Cinema system – she wanted two kids places free because (fat eyes filling with tears again) she couldn’t bear to be parted from her children whom she adores! No deal, bitchThe most recent, however, was today when she came in to resolve her “Spiderman DVD Issues”PM: I bought a Spiderman DVD about a month ago and it’s faulty. It just won’t work. At all. In any machine! It won’t work! It’s faulty!Me: I’m very sorry to hear that. Do you have the DVD and your receipt with you?PM: No! But it’s faulty! I have no receipt.Me: Ok, do you remember who served you?PM: EdelI check with Edel who indeed sold it to her – about 4 months prior, but remembers her solely because she’s a fucking dipshit.Me: OK, Edel remembers that so even though you don’t have your receipt I should be able to work something out for you.PM: It’s what I’m entitled to! It’s faulty!Me; Actually our policy states that you must return it within 28 days and with your receipt, but I’m willing to work something out because you were given a faulty product.PM: I was my 30 euro refundMe: I’m sorry but without a receipt and outside our 28 day period there’s no way I can issue you a refund, but I am willing to give you an exchange. The DVD you bought was 15 euros so I can give you any items worth up to 15 euros in exchange.PM: It was 30!Me: It was 30 when it was first released, but in the last four months it has been reduced to 15.PM: I bought it when it was first released!Me: Then that would be 8 months ago…are you sure?PM: Yes!Me: And you just found out it was faulty?PM: I’ve only played it onceMe: So you didn’t check it in any other players? Spiderman is a dual layered disk and is does state on the box that it may freeze momentarily on older playersPM: I tried it in several players, and played it many times and it just froze!Me: I thought you only played it once.PM: Yes, that’s what I saidAfter going around in circles over the cost of the DVD I finally ring head office who can trace back the sales on her account and find out when she bought the DVD: four months previously, for 15 euro.PM: Oh! Well, this is bitterly disappointing! I know I paid 30 for it.Me: (stifling laughter) Maybe you’re mistaken or thinking of another DVD.PM: No, it was this one. I suppose I’ll just have to accept this but I’m very upset. And my children are even more upset (you’ve guessed it, those fat eyes are swelling with tears again)Me: If you bring in the DVD tomorrow I’ll be happy to give you an exchange.PM: I’ll wait and see what you get in that’s better.Me: The exchange offer will run out in one week.PM: This is disgraceful! You know I used to work in a phone shop and I would never have treated my customers like this! (Marches off)Yeah. I’m bending company policy to new levels, spending 20 minutes listening to you verbally piss on me and still smiling – what a cunt I am!Next time she comes in I’m going to shake my head and blow raspberries at her. I figure it’s insane enough that if she makes a complaint no one will believe her. What do you think?